Credits: Favim.com

“Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.”  -William Blake

The quote above is something I need to follow but I guess I am wired in another direction! Since I was a child I have always been a night person. The darkness has its own charm which has always allured me towards it. There is a sense of peace compared to all the hustle of the day. There is a feeling of comfort and serenity. I love going out for long drives or bike rides at night or simply chilling on my terrace and staring at the beautifully lit sky. I prefer making plans in the night as everything is much prettier at night. The lighting in every shop or mall or store is gorgeous. The noisy streets are silent and you can walk peacefully. There is less dust and pollution compared to the day time and it’s easier to breathe. The sun is not burning the skin and the air feels so pleasant. When I am home and lying in my bed…I look up at the ceiling, lock my gaze and wander into my world filled with a million of thoughts. That feeling of being with yourself and your thoughts is priceless. Nobody to counter argue about any statement you make in your head, nobody to stop you from thinking, nobody to interrupt the process, nobody has any power over that activity except you. Although, at times, my thoughts over-power me and I cannot cease to think. I think about serious issues, random silly things, depressing stuff, happy memories, past, future, friends, family, the world, the creator and so on. Sometimes I get the best of ideas while I am in bed jumping from one thought to another. I also have thousands of questions about various things which I never end up penning down because I am too lazy to get up, turn on the lights and write. However, I do note things on my phone at times. I often stay up late watching a movie or some English series. I love to read at nights while I am in bed. I also like to stay up and talk on and on with somebody who will not get tired of listening to me. The best night activity is to eat food…cold food! Nights make me happy or sad depending on how the day has gone. I love the fact that every person including the birds and animals are all at rest and there are very few living things lurking around. For the record, if you ask me if I love nightfall in a jungle or some other creepy place then I would definitely say NO! Now let me share with you one of my latest thought about life, priorities and growing up. This one really hit me hard. Lately most of my close friends have been getting engaged or married or getting new jobs or moving to new counties for higher education. Their priorities have changed and this has affected me in many ways. People, who know me well, know that I am a very helpful person and I don’t refuse unless it’s totally impossible. I am also way too understanding and in that process I do displease/disappoint/hurt myself [not physically] just to see someone else happy or at peace. For example; I will reschedule my whole day just to meet or help someone who are a major priority but when the same role has to be played by them they clearly fail. They somehow magically make time for others who have never even been on top of their lists. I have tried to speak up but that ends up hurting people’s sentiments so I rather understand this is how they are wired and just let it go. However, I often badly wish they too understood like I did but sadly I am always disappointed. I usually end up questioning myself about setting my priorities right. But the thing about priority is that it must work at both ends and unfortunately that role works strongly from my end and not the others. So at the end of the day it’s only me, by myself, questioning and answering myself, doing my things all on my own and not depending on a single soul for anything. This has not happened suddenly but it has always been occurring in waves. This time it has really gone high above my tolerance level. I don’t know why I end up giving so much importance to family and friends who wouldn’t be affected by my existence or to tone that down, perhaps my presence. It’s not that I only feel this way or I am taking things too personally. I am not that kind of a person. It’s over the years what people do that I observe and then make my statement. I am not the one who will keep a count of all the things I did for them or brag about it and then go yell at them and make them feel miserable if they couldn’t make it up to me. Unless they keep blaming me for doing nothing at all for them. Otherwise, I just expect them to remember I have been there for them and likewise they should be there for me but sadly everyone don’t have similar morals. And trust me; I don’t expect anything materialistic, only their presence, appreciation in little ways and thoughts are enough but frankly it does pinch a little when they do greater things for others and never do the same for you. The thing that frustrates me the most is that people assume a lot of things about me and never really ask me personally. Yes, I am usually very busy but you still need to ask me constantly because I might just be free and like I mentioned earlier, if you are my priority I will leave everything else behind. I really do feel bad when I am left out from plans but I don’t mention it because clearly I was not that important to be a part of it. It’s funny how the same people who thank you so much when you helped them or were there for them in their time of need forget you when they are celebrating their happier days! Whenever I need some urgent help I really have no one to count on except myself. Yes, people will be there to give you all those pep talks but rarely someone will physically come over and help you out because well, they have their priorities and you are not in it. I also hate it when nobody will even consider what you want to do and insist on doing as they please and I always quietly bow down to their whims and wishes. Also when ever my friends call me randomly they either need to borrow something or need some help from me, otherwise they rarely even text “Hi, how are you?” on private chat. I used to text people individually a lot but then when they never took the efforts I stopped as I hate forcing someone to talk to me. There comes a point where I feel way too stupid being so good to people who don’t even treat me as I expect them to. So this thought finally concludes to this statement: always stay independent, never keep expectations and try to live a life without needing someone in it but no matter how selfish others are, if they mean something to you, be there for them, in the hope that someday they might just realise your worth. People come and people go but the only thing that remains with you always is yourself. So love yourself, be there for yourself and stay happy with yourself but don’t constantly put yourself before others who matter to you! It’s very rare that someone will put their life before yours but if you have not got that lucky then you need to shield yourself to survive and if you are that lucky, never let go of that person/s. Also, help random people more often because trust me, they are always way kinder and their blessings are way too precious! Since college has ended, I barely meet my friends like we used to. We would literally meet for the smallest of things and make so many plans to hang out. But now that things have changed, people have their priorities, I have mine and I have accepted that and learned to be alone, shop alone, watch movies alone and even eat alone. I do feel lonely at times but most of the times I enjoy being to myself and I think it has made me much stronger as a woman in a world that is so very selfish! No wonder adults always cribbed about growing up and insisted we make the most of our childhood and teenage years. Being a twenty-one year old woman has way too many responsibilities and the constant change is tiring. That’s how life will be and you need to accept it and try to be happy! Just so you know, this entire thought  barely takes 10 minutes or less to process in my mind and I jump to something else. So imagine how much I think! Yes, I am an over-thinker but I guess that is what makes me so understanding. When you learn to see one story in various angles and question things more, you tend to understand much deeper but it is always very annoying, personally and for others when I think out loud! 😛

Credits: Favim.com #Goodnight
Credits: Favim.com
*Trying to shut the thought process and sleep* 😛

P.S Obviously there are a lot of exceptions. I do have an amazing family and few awesome friends as well who have always put me first. Also, there have been so many people who have helped me even though they didn’t have to or even though they had greater priorities. I am very thankful to such beings and I will always remember their deeds and be there for them when it’s needed. Also, I don’t keep grudges against the people who could not be there when I wish they would because I believe that whatever held them back was not more important than me, they would definitely be there for me and I obviously know the one’s who are not worth that consideration. So it’s all okay at the end of the day but then I had to rant about this! Also, I would love to know if any of you have felt this way and how did you get through it? Have you felt you need to start giving more time to people who matter more? Do you ever think the way I do? Are you a night person as well? Have you set your priorities right? Do comment below as I would love to discuss on these topics.

-Zainab Attari